Celeborn's Guide to Middle Earth
by Archet
Summary: Exactly what NOT to do while you're tramping around Middle Earth, demonstrated by everyone's favourite hobbits! Now cowritten with Elf from DownUnder!
1. Introductions

**Celeborn's Guide to Middle Earth**

**By Archet T.**

_~edited December...29 (almost the 30th hehe) 2012~_

Dedicated to my awesome friend The IKEA Monkey

**Disclaimer**: This story may or may not be 100% true. No refunds. Do not sell this story to drug dealers. Do not try this at home. No hobbits were harmed in the making of this story.

**Disclaimer** (part 2): I don't own Lord of the Rings. Don't sue me. If you recognize it- either I don't own it or I've become spontaneously famous :)

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**Chapter 1: Famous Introductions**

'Hey Sam' Frodo called out the window to his gardner and life long friend, 'I have something really important to tell you and the others'

'Yeah?' Sam stopped clipping at the hedge for a minute to listen.

'D'you think you can call up Merry and Pippin and maybe Fatty if he can come, and meet me at the Green Dragon in an hour?'

'Sure' the younger hobbit jumped up and brushed the greenery off him, 'Be right there'

-1 hour later in the Green Dragon-

'So' Pippin stopped to take a slurp of Fanta, 'What did you want to tell us?'

'Well, you see...' Frodo trailed off, 'Where's Fatty?'

'_Fredegar_ couldn't come' Merry said impatiently, 'Get on with the story!'

'Alright, alright' laughed Frodo, 'So, Gandalf visited yesterday and said I have to go on a huge trip to destroy this evil ring thingie in a volcano on the other side of the world, and-'

'And you're laughing about it?' interrupted Sam.

'He's on a sugar high' Merry said, 'And don't interrupt any more! I want to here what Gandalf said'

'Well he didn't really say much' Frodo explained, 'And he was gone when I woke up this morning. But he left this book here, and I wanted to show it to you, as it addresses all us hobbits'

'Yes? And what about Fatty?' Pippin urged Frodo on.

'I just wanted Fatty to come so we could go to his house, it's more private you see. Anywho, the book is called Celeborn's Guide to Middle Earth, which is pretty much the lamest title I've ever heard. And it basically is pages and pages of rules, 101 to be exact. And, well, since we ARE traveling with Merry and Pippin-'

'...we are?' Merry interrupted

'He said that at the beginning. Anyways-' Sam was cut off by Pippin.

'Rules? I love rules!' he thought for a second, 'We get to break them...right?'

'That's EXACTLY what I was getting at!' exclaimed Frodo, 'See, look at this'

He opened the book and lay it flat on the table to read.

_Dear Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin,_

_I am writing you this small manual to aid you on your trip throughout Middle Earth. I have spent many hours with Galadriel, the lady of Lothlorien (and my wife), who can see (ish...) into the future, and together we have prepared you these rules to follow._

_I assure you that though they may not make sense at this time, they will eventually._

_Please read through the following pages carefully._

_Thank you,_

_Lord Celeborn_

_PS. I am asking Lathspel (that's Gandalf to you) to deliver this book. I hope it reaches you in good time. Anywho, read on now._

'Interesting' commented Frodo, 'Veeeeery interesting'

'Haven't you read this already?' Merry asked as he reached over to turn the page.

'Nah, I skipped the boring parts'

Sam sighed audibly as the group settled down to continue reading the book.

_The list starts here. Thank you for your time, and please keep in mind that it took me and Galady almost a whole, freaking YEAR to write this._

_SO APPRECIATE IT!_

_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh_

_Note from Galadriel: Celeborn had to take a sick leave right in the middle of writing that note, so please excuse any missing details. Thanks_

**1. I will not stop taking showers to be 'more ranger like'**

**2. Payphone is not an appropriate song to sing during the council of Elrond**

**3. I will not try to teach Gollum how to play scrabble**

**4. You cannot be allergic to dwarves**

**5. Tom Bombadil is not in any way, shape, or form, related to Tom Riddle**

**6. I will not distract anyone when they are fighting a Balrog of Morgoth.**

**7. Do not try to sacrifice Legolas, even if it's for a good cause**

**8. The one ring does not have a husband**

**9. I will not cheer when Denethor launches himself off the cliff, burning**

**10. I also won't bring popcorn**

**11. I will not ask Gandalf for a piggy-back**

**12. I will not tease Legolas about his preferred hairstyle. And I will most certainly NOT ruin it.**

**13. I will not perform a 10 hour long live musical of They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard**

**14. I will not pay a news reporter to follow the Fellowship around**

**15. I will not sneak extra Lembas helpings and blame it on Gimli**

**16. It is not appropriate to graffiti in Lorien**

**17. Galadriel is not on drugs, even if it appears so at some moments**

**11. Gandalf and Dumbledore are two VERY different people**

**19. DO NOT under any circumstances spit of Balin's tomb, unless you WANT to be killed by Gimli**

**20. Do not ask Haldir to give you a piggy back**

**21. Do not start a food fight while Bilbo is singing in The Hall of Fire**

**22. I will not try and get my own made up phrase clichéd**

**23. It is not opposite day. It is never opposite day**

**24. Do not tell Gollum to go die in a hole**

**25.I am not Legolas Greenleaf, nor am I able to duplicate his stunts**

**26. I must accept that Elrond's eyebrows can only do that because he's an elf, and I will never be able to**

**27. I will not carve the Deathly Hallows sign into the trees in Lothlorien**

**28. I will not re-enact Gollum finding the ring during the Council of Elrond**

**29. I will not continuously quote anyone, much less Gandalf**

**30. I will not write fanfics in which we all die to keep our spirits up**

**31. I will not tell Bilbo that he should go die in a hole**

**32. No matter how many times you talk to snails, they will not talk back**

**33. Only Gandalf can summon Gwaihir, so STOP TRYING**

**34. I will not use Gollum as a football**

**35. Using the one ring while playing hide and seek counts as cheating**

**36. I will not name the orcs**

**37. I will not set up email accounts for the Fellowship**

**38. I won't use this as a checklist**

**39. I will not start naming my children**

**40. I will not argue with myself about whether it's a smart idea to drink**

**41. I will not teach Gollum the moonwalk**

**42. 42 is NOT an acceptable answer to any question you're not sure about**

**43. I will NOT insist to Faramir that he should shoot Gollum**

**44. I will not introduce Aragorn to celebrity magazines**

**45. I will not cower in fear every time I see Boromir**

**46. I will not make rude comments to Theoden concerning his complexion**

**47. I will not make rude remarks about Tolkien. EVER**

**48. I am not a kleptomaniac, and I will not try to steal just so I can become one**

**49. Colin Creevy is NOT stalking you**

**50. I will not hold my own personal funeral for each person who dies**

**51. I will not cheer when someone dies**

**52. If I am asked to sing at any point in time, I will not pick any song by One Direction (even though they're awesome)**

**53. I will not sign the Fellowship up for ballroom dancing lessons in Lothlorien**

**54. Harry Potter is NOT Frodo Baggins in disguise**

**55. It is not appropriate to wolf whistle during Aragorn and Arwen's wedding**

**56. I will not try and figure out if Legolas wears a wig**

**57. I will not have a 'who can annoy Gandalf the most' contest and offer the one ring to the winner**

**58. I will not try to brainwash the urk-hai**

**59. I will not practice my telekinesis powers when under attack**

**60. Treebeard is NOT going to marry Katniss Everdeen.**

**61. Neither will Wormtongue**

**62. It is not appropriate to shout 'For Narnia!' before each battle**

**63. Aragorn's last name is not Skywalker, and he doesn't own a lightsaber**

**64. Tinkerbell is not going to teach me to fly. Tinkerbell doesn't exist**

**65. Friday is not an appropriate song to sing after the ring is destroyed (even if it is a Friday)**

**66. Gimli is not a 'true Hufflepuff'**

**67. I will not invent my own religion called 'Ringism' and insist everyone follow it**

**68. I will not re-enact a conversation between Gollum and Smeagol (especially in their vicinity)**

**69. I will not enforce a Hug an Orc day**

**70. Gandalf is NOT considered 'chunky'**

**71. I will not prank call Arwen and chant about 'The Eyes'**

**72. I will not tease Fredegar Bolger**

**73. It is considered copyright to invent The Lord of the Rings**

**74. I will not make up a code name for myself and only answer to that name**

**75. If any idea makes me laugh for longer than 15 seconds, I should assume I'm not allowed to re-enact it**

**76. I will not quote Elrond in response to any question I'm asked**

**77. I will not ask Treebeard how he uses the bathroom**

**78. Or the orcs, for that matter**

**78.5 This is just here to enforce the last two points a bit more**

**79. Gandalf was joking when he said 'Throw yourself in next time' to Pippin in Moria**

**80. I will not record Legolas eating and play the tape backwards in slow motion at the council of Elrond**

**81. My goal in life IS NOT to become a wizard like Harry Potter**

**82. I will not name my children after all of Sam's children**

**83. I will not introduce the kingdom of Edoras to gambling**

**84. Lembas will only ever come in one flavour, and that flavour is not chocolate.**

**85. I will not introduce Gollum to Sprite**

**86. I will not introduce Boromir to soap operas**

**87. I won't hold a pie eating contest on Galadriel's boat**

**88. I will not try and make a truce with the orcs during the battle of the Pelennor Fields**

**89. I will not question Faramir about being a double agent just because Peter Jackson apparently thought so**

**90. I will not sought out the actors for each person's part in the movie and lecture them on how to properly play their role**

**91. I will not argue about my bedtime**

**92. I will never use the finger-in-water trick unless I would like to be severely beaten**

**93. They DO NOT celebrate Halloween in Rivendell**

**94. I will not fill Legolas's bottle of sunscreen with yogurt**

**95. I will not set Gollum up with a FaceBook account**

**96. I won't ask Gandalf how old he is**

**97. Nor Denethor, Eomer, Boromir, Gimli, or any of the elves for that matter**

**98. I will not bribe Grima Wormtongue into poisoning Legolas's mind, just to see whether oldness and wrinkles suit him (though they probably do)**

**99. Though it is appropriate to wish Aragorn a happy birthday on his birthday, or soon after, it is not appropriate to rent an oliphant, a parade, a fan club, or belly dancers and invite them to Isengard**

**100. I will not insist on getting a souvenir from Mordor**

**101. You will not celebrate 'Tolkien Day' on JRR Tolkien's birthday just because "you felt like it"**

'Oh goodness' Pippin yawned, 'I think that's more that I've ever read in my entire lifetime! And half of it didn't even make sense!'

'I know' Sam looked sadly at his empty mug for a second before continuing, 'Like, look at number 89. Who the heck is Faramir, let alone Peter Jackson? It sounds like some kind of soda brand or something'

'Like...Fanta?' Pippin sounded mildly confused.

Merry cued a waiter over for more drinks, 'We'll figure it out as time goes on. But I must say, they sound like a lot of fun too! Like...' he scanned the list.

'Like 82!' Pippin laughed, and put on a deep accented voice, 'I vill not name my cheeldren after all of Sam's cheeldren.'

Frodo snorted into his cup as Sam turned bright red.

'How many children are you planning on having Sam?' Pippin asked through deep breaths. He needed to stop laughing at his own jokes, 'What'ch'ya gonna name them all?'

'I'd bet my money on a Samwise Junior' Merry added, smirking, 'What about a Merry too? And a Bilbo, and there's going to be a little hobbit named Oliphant, and one named Elfie, and one named Gandalf, unless it's a girl. Then she would be named Pippin'

'And-' Pippin was laughing so hard tears of mirth were pouring down his face (he had given up on "deep breaths"), 'And- wait, Merry, did you just say it would be a GIRL named Pippin? HOW DARE YOU?'

He threw himself at Merry and the two got into a full fistfight.

Sam finally stopped blushing (a few of those names HAD been near their mark) as Frodo, who had been thinking to himself for the last little while (he was finally coming off his sugar high), decided this was his cue, 'So, Pippin, when you feel like acting a biiiiit more grown up, I could tell you that I think we should record or write about each moment, every time we break a rule, and then we'll have a scrapbook or something'

'That's a good idea actually' Merry agreed, coming out on top of the smaller hobbit with a blackening eye 'So, when shall we start?'

'Now!' screamed Pippin and burst into a fit of immature laughter, still imagining Sam naming all his 'cheeldren', and hadn't even realized Frodo had insulted him.

The whole pub looked at them as the other three hobbits hauled Pippin out the door.

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Reviews make me love you :). Unless they're flames. Or flame throwers. Don't write any flame throwers.

Cheers,

Archet


	2. Life Necessities

**Chapter two: Life Necessities**

**By Archet T** (if you guess what the T stands for I'll give you a cookie)

Dedicated to...my shower :).

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**1. I will not stop taking showers to be 'more ranger like'**

'Oh save the Valar' Legolas wrinkled his perfect nose, 'When was the last time you had a shower Pippin?'

The hobbit thought for a minute, 'How long ago did we leave Rivendell?'

'A week and two days'

'Oh!' exclaimed Pippin happily, 'I've almost beaten my last record. It's been 15 days'

'15 days?' echoed Boromir, trying not to laugh.

'Not even Aragorn goes that long without a shower!' cried Legolas.

'Actually' Aragorn pointed out, 'I think my record is about a month'

'Oh sweet Eru. Save me!'

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Again- no flame throwers. Or fire alarms.

...maybe I should install a metal detector... ;)

~Archet


	3. Maroon 5

**Chapter 3: Maroon 5**

Dedicated to that poor guy with no change for the payphone :)

Really, REALLY important disclaimer: I do not own Maroon 5 or Payphone.

* * *

**2. Payphone is not an appropriate song to sing during the council of Elrond**

Once upon a time, a very annoyed elf named Elrond the Magic Eyebrow Dude was trying to wrap up a council. He was not succeeding.

'I think we're just going to take a break-' he was saying for the umpteenth time when he was suddenly interrupted by a singing bush. Which was pretty uncommon in Rivendell.

The group watched earnestly as a small out-of-tune voice drifted up.

'All those fairy tales are full of iiiiiiit, one more stupid lovesong I'll be-OOF! Watch it!'

'Shut up Pippin' came a voice from another bush.

Elrond looked incredulously from bush to bush as Gandalf (who also happened to be attending this council) reached around the back of his chair and pulled out two small hobbits.

'Nice going Pip' frowned the slightly taller one.

'Apparently it's impossible to keep you hobbits apart' smirked Gandalf, 'Especially when Frodo is invited to a secret council and you're not'

_A/N Yeah. That was Gandalf's idea. I had no clue it was a secret council *looks innocent*_

'Blame Pippin for singing' Merry muttered, staring at his feet.

Pippin didn't look embarrassed in the least. In fact, he was grinning.

Sam rolled out of his bush covered in leaves as everyone started talking again. Elrond sighed loudly. He wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

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Third chapter! Not much else to say besides that.

~Archet :)


	4. Scrabble and Sam

**Chapter 4: Scrabble and Sam**

**By Archet T**

Dedicated to all who hate spelling, but love writing :)

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**3. I will not try to teach Gollum how to play scrabble**

'Sam, WHAT are you doing?' Frodo spun around to stare at his friend, who dropped a small tile out of his trembling hand.

'Te-teaching Stinker to play Scrabble?' he muttered, uncertain how Frodo was going to react.

He bent down to gather up the rest of the pieces just in case.

Frodo smirked, 'Yeah. Good luck with that. I'm pretty sure Smeagol only knows about four words'

'Which are?' Sam looked down at the scrabble board, where Gollum had spelled 'precious' as "preshuz", 'Actually, I think I know what you mean. It's a hopeless cause. Well, don't blame me for trying, I guess'

He sadly gathered up the board and letters, and shoved them back in his bag between his telescope, and his 6 collapsible pots.

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I'm trying to come up with a good summary for this. Anyone got any ideas?

Review and I will love you forever. No flame throwers.

Archet


	5. Allergies

**Chapter 5: Allergies**

Dedicated to those bubblegum factories who keep coming up with really weird flavours ;)

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**4. You cannot be allergic to dwarves**

Frodo sneezed 'Ah ah aaaaaah chooo!' he exclaimed, spitting his wad of bubblegum into Aragorn's hair. It slid out (must've been the greasiness) as he looked up.

'Frodo, are you SURE you don't want any allergy medication? I've got it right here in my knapsack, and it really does sound like you're allergic to something, probably pollen. You've been sneezing continuously for the last hour!'

'It's OK' Merry skipped up ahead, 'That's Frodo for ya. Get used to it'

'Well I personally don't think it's very hygenic-' Legolas was cut off by another sneeze.

'I keep telling you' sniffled a very congested sounding Frodo, 'It's no plant I'm allergic to- its Gimli!' he paused to sneeze, 'I'm 100 percent sure of it'

Aragorn frowned at the backs of the two hobbits as they skipped ahead, 'I so don't understand these little folk' he murmured to Boromir, who smirked.

'So' whispered Merry to Frodo as soon as they were out of earshot, 'Can I have some of the pepper-flavoured gum?'

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Erm...I think I'm gonna stop with the dedications for now on unless it's necessary :)

They're getting kinda lame lol.

~Archet


	6. Gandalf vs The Balrog

**5. I will not distract anyone when they are fighting a Balrog of Morgoth.**

* * *

'Gandalf!' Merry called out, 'Gandalf! GANDALF!'

'WHAT?' Gandalf asked through gritted teeth, 'WHAT, pray, could be so utterly important at a time like such?' he dodged another sway from the Balrog's whip.

'It's, it's- um' he glanced at Boromir, who happened to be standing next to him, and had an idea, 'It's Pippin!' he exclaimed loudly as the Balrog cracked his whip again, 'He's fallen into the chasm!'

'That Fool of a Took!' Gandalf glanced down at the seemingly bottomless pit, 'I suppose it's my duty to save him now' he jumped aside from the Balrog's whip and looked up into its hideous face, 'D'you think we can hurry this fight up a bit? I have to go rescue a lub of fat that just fell in that hole'

At this moment Pippin decided to skip over from where he was examining a particularly pretty piece of rock, 'Hey Merry! I thought I heard my name'

'Shut UP!' Merry muttered through gritted teeth and shoved him backwards into Aragorn, who was picking his teeth.

'I'm going to save him now. Fly, you fools!' And with that he jumped off the bridge into the chasm to "rescue" Pippin.

No one found out the truth.

Until Gandalf got back.

Merry's hands still ache from THAT punishment.

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Please read...and then review...or just read...or whatever :)

~Archet


	7. Frodo's suspicions

**Chapter 7: Frodo's suspicions**

Disclaimer: I do not own Tom Riddle (surprise, huh?)

* * *

**6. Tom Bombadil is not in any way, shape, or form, related to Tom Riddle**

_Note: The text below was written by me, AKA Yours Truly, Peregrin Took, because I am awesome._

_Another Note: Hi. Sam here. Just to let you know, this story makes me sound like a loser, which I'm not. I worked just as hard as Frodo to save those brats from the stupid tree._

'Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!' Merry screamed as he was shoved into some tree, 'This is DISGUSTING! Oh, hi Pippin, you got sucked into Old Man Willow too?'

'Don't worry!' Frodo exclaimed, 'We'll get you out!'

Kicking Sam, he stood up and started yanking on Merry's legs.

Sam yawned.

'Ow ow ow ow ow ow OW!' screamed Merry, 'Stop it!'

Sam decided to light a fire.

'STOP IT' Merry shouted, rolled over, and kicked Frodo in the face, 'Oops, sorry Frodo'

'Ow ow ow ow!' Frodo cried, oblivious to all but his bleeding nose, 'Help help help!'

Along the path came a strange noise. It sounded like a... it sounded like Sam in the morning.

'Hey doilies ring a ding dillo, here come old Tom Bombadillo. He comes to save you, so bow down to him'

The voice started to whistle.

As the tree slowly let me and Merry out (I smelled like sap for days), the singing man came into view. And he looked like a clown. Even worse than Sam in the morning, I realized.

'Whats your name, sir?' Frodo asked the dude (he must've been a hippie, or one of those elves)

'I?' He replied, 'I am Tom Bombadil, and...yeah. My boots are yellow. Kinda rhymes'

Frodo looked around at all us (I still smelled like sap if you're curious), 'I don't think we can trust him' the poor stressed hobbit whispered, 'I've heard of too many evil Toms'

'Like?' frowned Merry

'Tom Riddle. Look what he turned into'

'Fair point' agreed Merry, 'So, instead of responding to anything the hippie dude AKA Tom says, let's all run into the forest on the count of three'

'You alright over there?' Bombadil called out, getting tired of waiting.

'One, two, THREE!' screamed Sam and all of us ran into the forest, never to meet any creepy Toms ever again (at least in this story).

The End

_One more note: Hey, audience reading this. Aren't I awesome? IKR. And it's true that Sam doesn't know how to count to three. Sad, isn't it?_

* * *

Funny how there are actually two Toms' in Harry Potter, but I couldn't think of any others. Except Tom Cruise, and Tom and Jerry. Huh. Interesting...

~Archet


	8. Aragorn and the Toilet Seat

**Chapter 8: Aragorn and the Toilet Seat**

**By Archet T**

Dedicated to the place we went camping this summer :)

* * *

**7. Do not try to sacrifice Legolas, even if it's for a good cause**

'Hey guys!' Frodo skipped through the magnificent forest of Lothlorien over to where the rest of the Fellowship (minus Gandalf), was enjoying a very violent game of Crazy Eights, 'I finished my speech!'

'That's great' Aragorn replied, not even looking up from his cards, 'What's it about?'

'Guess' said Frodo proudly.

Boromir glanced up from the deck quickly, only to do a double take. He shoved his knuckles in his eyes and rubbed vigorously, 'Is it just my imagination, or is Frodo dressed like a giant toilet seat?', he said, his voice slightly muffled by his hands.

'Its probably just your-' Gimli looked over his shoulder and his tongue stopped working for a minute, 'Gah' he managed to spit out as the rest of the Fellowship finally put their card game to the side and looked up'

'Lovely there Frodo' grinned Merry cheerfully, 'Stunning. Toilet seats really suit you'

'Ya think so?' The hobbit spun around in a circle so they could get a view of his costume from all angles.

'You're kidding me right?' Legolas twisted in his seat, 'I'm embarrassed to be seen with you guys'

'Thank you' Frodo bowed mockingly as best as he could, 'So... would you like to hear the speech?'

'Sure' Pippin laughed, 'It sounds great. Good topic choice. Toilet seats'

'I know right!' exclaimed Sam, who then poked Legolas, 'I have an even better idea. Frodo, why don't you go over there for a minute (he pointed back towards the city), and we'll plan a surprise for you!'

'Sure' Frodo said willingly, 'Don't take too long'

He walked away.

'Kay guys' Sam whispered to the group, 'For those of you who don't know, Frodo's speeches are...like, really bad. They-'

'And you should have heard some of his topics!' Pippin interrupted Sam, 'I mean, toilet seats almost sound normal compared some of his other speeches'

Merry counted them on his fingers, 'In Rivendell there was Elves: Aliens or not?'

Legolas started to make a comment but Merry kept going.

'And in Crickhollow there was a speech about Cutlery and it's Uses, not to mention the one he gave at Bilbo's birthday party years back'

'I don't remember that one' frowned Pippin.

'It was called DO YOU THINK BILBO IS GOING TO LEAVE AND WHEN HE DOES WILL I GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET FOR ONCE?'

'26 people passed out during that one' Sam informed the others.

Aragorn let out a low whistle.

'So that is why I think it would be a good idea to get everyone to hide when Frodo comes back-'

'Hear hear!' interrupted Legolas, 'You'll release* me then, right?'

*For when the Fellowship had settled down to play cards, Legolas had refused to stay with them. Up to the point where Boromir and Gimli tied him screaming to a tree. But that's besides the point, as Sam had not finished speaking yet

'-EXCEPT for Legolas, who shall stay here. Better we sacrifice him than any of us' Sam finished speaking.

'Wha- wha' Legolas blubbered as everyone else started to put Sam's plan into action (it was a very good plan you see).

They untied the elf and dragged him forwards, tying him to a closer, larger tree. Legolas continued blubbering.

The rest of the Fellowship called Frodo back, then snuck off to raid Galadriel's pantry (courtesy of Pippin).

Legolas never saw toilets the same way ever again. In fact, he never saw toilets again, period. He was too scared.

'Well then' Merry scratched number 7 off Celeborn's list, 'We didn't exactly 'sacrifice' him, but it was close enough'

The End

_Extremely long footnote: Frodo here. After reading this and attempting to murder the others for their rude remarks concerning my beautiful speech, I decided this was not enough to be considered 'sacrificing'._

_So... me, Sam and Gollum had just stopped at a Starbucks somewhere in Ithilien, and y'know how they have free WiFi there right? Well, I was borrowing Sam's laptop (mine got waterlogged in the Dead Marshes), and out of sheer boredom I tried to hack Aragorn's email. Lovely thing to do, let me tell you, and it didn't take that long at all._

_His password was 'Ellesar', if you're curious. Fine password, just not fine enough for super email-hacking Frodo!_

_Anywho, I was glancing through his emails as Smeagol came back with the drinks, and found this little story he had emailed to Gimli. I assume it's fictional, because I'm pretty sure Gandalf would kill him from heaven if it weren't._

_So, enjoy!_

_Frodo Baggins_

**Yo Gims :). How's life? That's cool.**

**Anywho, ya remember when we met Eomer for the first time, and you and Leggy got him all annoyed? That was totally EPIC.**

**And... well, I thought it would be funny to write a story 'bout what happened that day, but add a little more whatchmacollit... y'know... pizzazz (I dunno if that's a real word but whatevs).**

**So, here's my story. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated :)**

**Thanks a bazillion,**

**Estel (they say it's bad to sign emails with your real name... so I'm using my half-real name)**

**Story starts now :)**

Once upon a time, an awesome dude named Aragorn was traveling with his two friends. One of these two friends was an elf: the other was a dwarf.

So one day they come to this really weird place called Rohan, where you have to own a horse to be considered cool. Which sucked, because this Aragorn guy was SO cool, but didn't have a horse on to prove my coolness.

And so eventually this creepy guy horsed (that's a new word I made up. It's a verb, and means 'to ride a horse') towards us with all his goonies, and was like 'STOP!'

But we didn't stop. Oh no we didn't. In fact, we were so not stopping that Gimli (he was the Dwarf dude) went and literally TALKED BACK to this guy! I mean, who does that?

Gimli is, like, TOTALLY awesome.

IKR.

Anywho, then awesome Aragorn and Great Gimli started to head along to path, with the boring elfish dude with the weird ears way behind, when the creepy horse guy (who had introduced himself as Eomer), said that he needed to take one of us hostage to bring back to the king, who will sacrifice them as to bring good luck to his pet monkey currently suffering from fever.

And that is why elf dudes are considered endangered.

Because we just MIGHT have offered him up for sacrificing.

Dear Thranduil, if you're reading this, GO DIE IN A HOLE, from, Anonymous :)

The End

**So, what'd'ya think? ? ? LOL 8)**

**Aragorn**

* * *

About that...ermm...


	9. Spaaaaaaaaghetti!

**Chapter 9: Spaaaaaaaaghetti!**

* * *

**8. The one ring does not have a husband**

'FINALLY' grinned Merry happily, 'We're having spaghetti for dinner'

He was sitting with Pippin, Sam and Frodo in a circle on the floor in the younger two hobbits' for their daily "private eye" meeting (as Pippin liked to call it).

It was November in the year 3018, and the hobbits were staying in Rivendell with the newly formed Fellowship of the Ring.

And so far, the majority of the non-hobbit Nine Walkers found the halflings very strange indeed.

Anyways, on with the story.

'What's so great about spaghetti?' asked Frodo, who tended to be at the receiving end of their pranks, 'Can I PLEASE be in on this one? I swear I won't tell Boromir again, or anyone else, or... I won't say anything about it! Just please tell me!'

'Of course Mr. Frodo' Sam said instantly, 'Anything for you'

Pippin face-palmed.

'So, today we're going to go for rule 8 in Celeborn's book' Merry reached under his bed, pulled the manual out, and flipped to a dog-eared page, 'Read' he said, shoving the book towards the other hobbit.

'The one ring does not have a husband' Frodo read aloud, then tried to figure their prank out, 'So... What does that have to do with spaghetti?'

'Its kinda complicated' Merry replied unhelpfully, 'Just don't tell anyone anything about anything, OK?'

'But-' Frodo trailed off as they were called for dinner, 'Fine'

The hobbits got up and scampered down the halls to the dining hall, where they eagerly started to eat only as a hobbit could.

Frodo didn't even notice his friends sneaking multiple pieces of spaghetti under the table.

1 hour later...

'Merry, I gotta pee' whined Pippin.

The Nine Walkers (minus Gimli, who was called to talk to Elrond that night), were sitting at their daily (nightly I guess... Or eveningly, if that's a word) meeting, which they had everyday (well, that's the point in 'daily' I suppose) to discuss their trip and such.

'Can it not wait?' Gandalf asked the young hobbit.

'Nooo' he continued whining, 'I really need to go.. Please?'

'Fine' sighed the wizard.

'Great!' Pippin hopped up, 'C'mon Merry! Sam, you come too!'

'No, Pippin. One bathroom buddy only' Gandalf said sternly, while Aragorn and Legolas started laughing.

'I need to go too!' Sam exclaimed, and stood up, 'And when you gotta go, you gotta go'

'Just let them go' Boromir said, 'Arguing will just make it take longer'

'Fine' Gandalf looked around, but they had already left, making Frodo feel more annoyed than ever.

_In the bathroom..._

'Quickly' Merry muttered, annoyed, tying the piece of mushy spaghetti around his friends' fingers, 'You are now...' He finished up and smiled, 'Invisible'

'Great' said Sam, examining his own "ring", 'So no noise, from now on. Let's go'

The three hobbits left the bathroom and tiptoed down the hall to the doorway of their meeting room.

Inside they could Gandalf's booming voice saying something about vegetation or whatever.

'Ready?' Pippin whispered, 'Set, go'

Merry kicked the door open and the three hobbits paraded into the room soundlessly. Around once, twice, they circled three times before anyone talked.

'What are you doing?' Legolas finally lost it.

Frodo broke down laughing, finally figuring out their plan, as Pippin started to explain.

'We're invisible' he said, and held hid hand out, 'See, look. It's Rupert, the One Ring's husband'

'Pippin, that is not a matter to make jokes about' said Gandalf sternly.

Sam tried to fix up the situation, 'It's true!' he blurted out, 'See, look' he stuck out his spaghetti-covered hand, 'Say hello to Matilda, the One Ring's sister, and Kevin' he grabbed Merry's hand, 'The One Ring's uncle'

'We felt bad for Frodo you see' Merry started to explain, then realized it wasn't necessary.

Gandalf was already laughing so hard it wasn't even funny.

Not to mention Frodo, who was laughing so hard tears were pouring down his face. Aragorn still looked skeptical.

'What makes the One Ring a girl?' he asked, while everyone else collapsed into a laughing fit.

Which was the moment Gimli chose to walk in.

* * *

Duh duh duuuuuh! A make-it-yourself ending! Wow! Creative, huh? Nah, just less work for me.

Read...review if you feel like it.

Coolio

~Archet


	10. Gandalf officially goes crazy

**Chapter 10: Gandalf officially goes crazy**

**By Archet T.**

* * *

**9. I will not cheer when Denethor launches himself off the cliff, burning**

10. I also won't bring popcorn

"Faramir!" Pippin heard himself screaming, "Noooooo, you can't die. You CAN'T!"

He watched in horror as Lord Denethor poured a bucket of oil over him and his son. The two of them now resembled Rangers who had been running for several days straight, namely Aragorn after he had found the hobbits.

Gandalf burst in on his horse (he just can't seem to figure out the rules of those Halls. They specifically say NO HORSES, but Gandalf never bothers to read the rules, does he?), and proceeded to knock Denethor into the pyre.

Probably on purpose.

But what Gandalf didn't realize was that Faramir was in that pyre too, and he had just become a human candle. Pippin had to save him from dying. Pippin also had to eat popcorn. Pippin had to save Faramir. But Pippin needed to eat popcorn for the king, ahem steward…

What to do, what to do… the hobbit's mind worked frantically as precious seconds ticked by. And then he finally made his choice.

The right one, thank god.

"Go!" he screamed at Gandalf, and threw him the last pack of the microwavable, full-fat, high sodium, popcorn he had carried with him all the way from The Shire.

The Wizard caught it and ran, faster than any Wizard had ran before, to where Denethor was about to commit suicide. He promptly shoved his hand in the bag and started to eat the snack. Though quite stale, it had popped from the heat of the fire, as Pippin had planned (well, Merry had planned it, but same thing).

Pippin rolled Faramir off the bed, told the unconscious man to stop, drop, and roll, and ran outside, where he stood beside the Wizard and began to cheer.

And all over Middle Earth people's hearts were lightened with joy, for that one second.

The Gandalf dumped the rest of the popcorn on Pippin's head and the second was over.

* * *

Yeah... about that... blame the plot bunnies.


	11. One free piggyback

**Chapter 11: One free piggyback**

**By Archet T**

Dedicated to my friend ElrondofImladris. If it weren't for her this chapter probably wouldn't be here...

* * *

**11. I will not ask Gandalf for a piggyback.**

_December 23- during the "eveningly" Fellowship meeting._

'Merry Christmas!' exclaimed Pippin happily as he took his seat around the table with the rest of the Fellowship. He was clutching a small wooden box, evidently full of Christmas gifts.

Gandalf frowned at him, and began to pass out small maps for them to study. Gimli grinned at the small hobbit, while Legolas and Boromir shared inquiring looks. Aragorn smiled.

'I brought presents' the hobbit pointed out, and opened his box. Legolas and Boromir still looked extremely confused, but neither spoke up.

Gandalf coughed loudly, 'I...er...Pippin, if you don't mind- today isn't Christmas. You know that right?'

'I know' sighed Pippin, 'But I couldn't wait any longer. I'm just so excited!' he proceeded to pass out small, obviously home-made booklets to each member of the Fellowship. 'See?' he showed them, 'They're mini coupon books!'

Legolas looked bewildered.

'Thank you Pippin!' exclaimed Frodo cheerfully, followed by Sam and Merry.

Aragorn picked through the book, 'One free apple...one free hug...one free piece of good advice...one free piggyback from Gandalf...one free joke on a cloudy day...or one free fortune telling'

Gandalf glared. Pippin looked pleased with himself. Gimli snorted.

'Peregrin Took. Mind telling me why, exactly, you just told this room of people that I am going to give them all piggybacks?'

'I...uh...' Pippin glanced at his friends for help.

Boromir finally decided to speak up, 'Er...guys...what exactly is Christmas?'

Aragorn face-palmed.

January 4- somewhere on top of Caradhras

'Gandalf! Gandalf!' exclaimed Merry, 'GANDAAAAALF!'

'WHAT?' asked the Wizard, turning around to face the hobbit, who was half buried in snow.

'I use my coupon' he grinned slyly, and pressed a small slip of paper into his hands.

* * *

...and there you go :)

And just so you guys know, as of this chapter...(December 31), everything before this has been edited over a bit. To make some more sense. I think.

See you later!

~Archet


	12. RIP Legolas's Hair

**Chapter 13: RIP Legolas's Hair**

* * *

**12. I will not tease Legolas about his preferred hairstyle. And I will most certainly NOT ruin it.**

Note: I just realized as I was posting this that they don't exactly _tease _Legolas. But they do, most certainly, ruin his life :)

**12:34am**

Merry and Sam were on night-watch. It was the second day since they had left Lothlórien, and the had settled down after a long day of sailing (more like paddling) in some small grove off the shore.

Sam and Merry had immediately opted to take watch (Aragorn insisted the hobbits did it in groups), which was little surprise to the others, seeing as they had opted for every watch together since Gandalf died.

The two of them spent their long nights conveniently ruining the lives of the rest of the Fellowship. Of course, if Pippin ever found out, Merry would be dead, so they blamed most of it (well, all of it), on freak accidents and such.

This time, it was Legolas's turn.

But first they needed to make sure everyone was asleep, which was quite difficult, seeing as Boromir was some sort of insomniac.

Sighing, Merry crawled over to Frodo and rooted through his bag, looking for the "baby Silmaril" (aka the Phial of Galadrial), thinking perhaps he could make shadow puppets with it or something. He could see Boromir watching him silently a few feet away and gave the sleepless Gondorian a thumbs-up. Eventually he gave up his search and slugged off to sit back down next to Sam. Gimli started snoring loudly.

Boromir turned over with an audible sigh.

**2:56am**

'He's asleep' said Sam defiantly, who'd been staring at a certain Gondorian for the last few hours.

'How d'you know?'

'Hasn't twitched in twenty minutes'

'Oh' Merry didn't really know how to respond, 'Well, then, lets get cracking'

The two of them emptied three bottles of dye (one red, one green, and one greyish), a bottle of hair gel, and slow-acting hair removal cream into the grass. Where exactly they had gotten all the hair products, one can only guess (well, actually, they borrowed them from Haldir). Then they hurriedly snuck down to the boats.

'Find his bag' hissed Merry, looking frantically through the third boat (which held most of the luggage). They could hear Gimli's snores in the distance, and Merry was reminded that any orc group within a two mile radius could probably find them in a matter of minutes.

'Quickly!' he added smarly, pushing aside a huge pile of empty lembas leaves.

'What's it look like?' Sam whispered.

'Elvishy, I would assume. Probably made of leaves or something. Maybe look for a spider-print design...'

Sam, upon locating said bag (Merry had nailed the description pretty well), rooted through it for a second before pulling out the elf's shampoo, conditioner, and four other hair products, as well as a hideous-looking drivers license.

'Woah' said Merry, impressed, 'He carries all that around all day in his purse?That thing must weigh a _ton..._'

Sam, held up the driver's license, indicating a particularly horrid picture of a certain elf, 'We should hold on to this. Who knows what we may need for blackmail if we're caught?'

Merry agreed, and the two of them began to slowly drain away the majority of each hair-product bottle. They then filled the remaining space with the..._other..._ ingredients, whereupon they snuck away to hide the evidence in the vicinity of wherever Gollum was hiding at that moment.

'Perfect' said Sam, and the two of them sat back down, backs to the tree, to wait out the remaining hour-and-a-half or so until dawn.

**5:28am**

Dawn.

The two hobbits on guard duty awoke maybe 20 seconds before Boromir; they barely had enough time to look awake and alert before he rolled over and sat up.

The three of them proceeded to kick the rest of the Fellowship minus Gandalf (here on referred to as the FmG) as a wake up call.

Frodo and Pippin each muttered something unintelligible, and attempted to begin to try and get ready slowly. Gimli awoke with an extra-loud snore, and started to get a fire going for breakfast. Aragorn awoke with a start and claimed he hadn't been sleeping. Legolas went off to take a shower.

Our two hobbity heroes exchanged looks, but said nothing.

10 minutes later they sat down to a brief breakfast, then went off to get the boats ready.

**6:19am**

'Legolas!' called a frantic Aragorn through the trees, 'Where are you? We do need to get going!'

The sound of sobbing reached his ears. Legolas sobbing (which, unfortunately, the FmG had heard roughly two hours of whence they left Lothlórien.

Anyways, after the FmGaL (which I might remind you is the Fellowship minus Gandalf and Legolas) had eaten breakfast and gotten the boats packed, they'd realized that the elf had never come back from his shower. So they had sent out search parties (courtesy of a strangely anxious Aragorn, who seemed to think the Elf had gone and gotten himself into trouble or something)

'I will not laugh' promised Aragorn, who was not stupid, and had realized that Legolas must've been having a hair issue, and was therefore hiding in a tree.

Slowly, a green and brown foot appeared out of the branches of a big oak a few feet away. Followed by an ankle, followed by a leg, followed by another leg, followed by the rest of the Elf in Question.

Aragorn held his breath, preparing himself to not laugh as Legolas's newly...pink, green, and grey beehive-style hair appeared before him.

A quick hesitation. Then...

'What's wrong?' the Ranger asked the elf, pretending to be oblivious to what exactly was wrong.

'You don't see it?' sniffed Legolas, and Aragorn hastily assured him, that, indeed he could see nothing wrong. He lead/dragged the pouting elf back to the rest of the FmG, who had all given up on ever finding Legolas, and were eating marshmallow and lembas s'mores on the beach.

Pause.

Another pause.

Then Pippin burst out laughing.

They tied a hysterical Legolas (who had probably already alerted Sauron to their position with all the racket) to the boat and started on their way.

**10:08am**

_Rest In Peace_ Legolas's hair (which had started to fall out in clumps by now), and Legolas's sanity, (he had knocked himself unconscious by banging his head on a lembas cracker).

* * *

Right...them...

This prob'bly still needs a little editing that I've missed. I'll look at it tomorrow.


	13. Diary of a Nazgûl

**Chapter 14: Diary of a Nazgûl**

* * *

**13. I will not perform a 10 hour long live musical of They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard**

Some time in September

Dear diary,

Once upon a time, it was raining really hard.

No, I mean it. That image in your brain isn't right. It's not dark enough. Try again.

It was dark, and stormy, and _raining really hard_.

There. That's better. Now on with the story.

Out of the gloom came the figure of four little munchkins on horses, who rode up to the town gate covered in rain and looking rather depressed. The guard dude (who was actually a cook, but was trying to make some extra cash), let them in without question.

The four travellers looked around their gloomy surroundings. I stood in the shadows and watched, like a stalker.

I'm good at pretending to be a stalker. If you wanna hire me, just ask. I'm serious.

...

ANYWAYS, the four little munchkins stared at each other for a while, then went into a loud, bright inn. Can't say I couldn't blame them though, seeing the horrible rain.

I followed and positioned myself beside a window, trying to read the sign on the front.

I'm kinda dyslexic. Don't tell. It looked like it said Hte Prncaign Pnoy. Dunno what that means.

I stood out in that horrendous downpour of torrential rain for what seemed like weeks. It _sucked_, man. Sitting outside a warm pub filled with drunk people while you're freezing your butt off outside. Yeah, no thanks.

Eventually a louder voice rose up above the psychos talking inside. Seeing as I got the worst guard spot, I couldn't see the person singing, but my colleagues told me he was the munchkin later that night. Oh, and the voice started to sing too.

It was that horrible YouTube song that Two showed me a couple of months ago. No, not Gangman Style. The other one. Taking the Hobbits to Isengard. That.

Even writing the title gives me shivers.

_We're __taking the hobbits to Isengard!_

I hate life.

_Tell __me where is Gandalf, I much desire to speak with him._

My ears are burning off just writing the lines down.

_BUM __BAD DUM BA DA DUM DU DA DUUUUMMM._

Etcetera.

For 10 who freaking hours.

Eventually I donned enough courage to look through the window, only to see a stage set up with a flashmob.

What is wrong with life?

Just as the sun was coming up we finally decided to leave. It was hopeless. We'll catch up with the munchkins on Weathertop.

Love, Nazgûl #5

* * *

I actually have made up my own names for all the Nazgûl, but I can't remember them right now. I know that One was Jack...(because every fandom's gotta have a fellow named Jack in it).


	14. Archet and Tigger

**Chapter 14: Archet and Tigger**

Dedicated to Daffy Duck, because he asked for a dedication. He has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Sorry, Daffy.

* * *

**14. I will not pay a news reporter to follow the Fellowship around**

"Who the heck is that?" Aragorn glared harshly at the two approaching figures he could see in the distance.

Legolas stared quietly at the sky, as per usual, ignoring Aragorn completely.

"_I said_," the Ranger repeated, "Who the heck is that?"

Legolas glanced over at Aragorn, then resumed staring at the sky.

"A red sun rises," he said distantly, "Blood has been spilled this night".

Aragorn face-palmed. The figures slowly (and menacingly) drew forwards.

-_cue introductory theme song, which sounds suspiciously like Elmo's World_-

Legolas continued staring at the sky with a troubled expression until Gimli woke up. Aragorn watched the little silhouettes grow closer and closer until he could make out the shape of a girl and a stumpy little guy with a camera.

The two of them walked straight up the hill.

"Hi!" exclaimed the little man with the camera, "My name is Tigger, like the guy from Winnie-the-Pooh. Some fellows named Meriadoc and Peregrin told me and my coworker that you guys had some scoop".

Aragorn looked confused. So did Gimli. They didn't have any ice cream with them...

Legolas glanced at the dude, then looked over at the girl. He glared daggers at her, "Please tell your MarySue friend to get the hell out of Middle Earth and my life in general. And then to go die in a particularly large hole".

Everyone stared at him. Legolas had never said more than 15 words before. It was a small miracle.

"I'm not a MarySue!" exclaimed the girl, "My name is Archet, and I'm here on behalf of Merry and Pippin and earth in general and nice fanfic reviewers and all those people who want to go to Middle Earth and people who write really bad parodies and-"

"That will be enough, miss" Aragorn said gruffly. Tigger turned on his camera and started filming brightly.

"I'm going to interview you"

"Yeah. No thanks," Legolas turned away, pouting. Archet ignored him.

"So, Aragorn?"

Tigger focused the camera on Aragorn's familiar scratched-up face.

"Yes?"

"If you were stuck on a desert island and the only things to eat were worms or rats, which would it be?"

Legolas turned around, "What kinda question is _that_?"

"That's what it says here," Archet held up the list of questions Merry and Pippin had supplied. Legolas snatched it from her to read, his eyebrows moving up and down his face like Lord Elrond's.

Tigger beamed broadly, watching the elf's movements through the screen. He truly looked ridiculous, but Tigger had learned over the years that the public loved ridiculous.

"Who on _earth_-"

"Middle-earth" Gimli suggested.

"Right," Legolas heaved a great sigh, "Who on _middle-earth_-"

"Rats," said Aragorn, beaming broadly.

"_What_?"

"I said rats"

"Yes, I know that but-"

"I thought it was Middle-Earth!" burst Gimli, "Where did all the rats come from?"

"Now why don't we all just settle do-" Archet, stepping backwards, tripped over Tigger (who had been filming gleefully) and the two rolled down the hill in a heap.

"Who's that?" Legolas pointed far across the plains, where the Eorlingas were slowly heading towards them.

"That's Archet and Tigger, Legolas. They just fell down the hill," Aragorn gave his friend a sideways look, "You feeling alright?"

Legolas sat down on a rock. He stayed quiet. Aragorn watched Archet and Tigger disentangle themselves and begin to jog back up the hill. Gimli kicked the rock Legolas was sitting on.

"Ow!"

"What now?"

"Your rock kicked me"

Legolas face-palmed.

When Aragorn turned back from bandaging Gimli's toe, the news reporters had disappeared, replaced by Éomer and his crew.

Magic.

...

Or some other kind of supernatural force that I can't think of right now. Like telekinesis. Except for disappearing. Teleportation. Yeah. That.

Anyways.

_Meanwhile..._

Merry bent over Pippin's shoulder, trying to see Tigger's video. They had paid big bucks out of Gandalf's wallet to hire a crew that would agree not only to travel to Middle-Earth, but live stream the videos across the globe as well. Archet had offered to do it for free.

"Pause the video!" Merry shrieked, and Legolas's distorted eyebrows-placed-way-too-high face filled the screen the the younger hobbit's laptop.

Pippin pushed a few buttons, and the picture suddenly became the most viewed in the world.

Hobbits really, truly do have connections.

* * *

First of all, I decided to reread my last chapter and decided that it was really terrible, like the decision to use the word decide way too many times in this sentence. I may try to rewrite it. Or not. I have a lot of homework...

Second, I need your guys opinions. D'you like the shorter or longer chapters? The ones with the hobbits or without? The really random ones or the more normalish ones? Oh, and did you guys catch the llama cameo in chapter 6? What did you think of it?

I was kidding about the llama by the way.

Or was I...?

Cheers!

~Archet


	15. Noble

**ANNOUNCEMENT: In case you didn't notice in the description, I have recruited Elf from DownUnder to help me out with the story! This means more updates for you, so be happy. This chapter is mine, the next is her's, etc. Enjoy! *turns off megaphone***

**Chapter 15: Noble**

* * *

**15. I will not sneak extra Lembas helpings and blame it on Gimli**

"Blue, no wait- yellow."

"Umm, orange!"

"Purple."

"You're all wrong," Frodo said, "Guess again."

"Magenta!" exclaimed Merry.

"Olive!" yelled Sam.

"...Octarine!" Pippin chimed in.

"No, no and...wha?"

"Octarine," Pippin shrugged, "It's like a mix between green, yellow, and purple."

"Since when did Pippin become a colour genius?" Merry laughed.

"Since reading Terry Pratchett," the young hobbit retorted.

Sam stared, "You can read?"

"YES you idiot!" Pippin shouted, and the two of them began to argue, only supported by Merry and Frodo's encouraging shrieks.

Aragorn sighed audibly at their bickering and shifted the canoe poised on his back. Luckily, with all the portaging they had been forced to do over the past few days, the boats were extremely light, but it was still rather tedious to have to carry them through underbrush for hours on end.

It didn't help that Legolas, sporting merely 4 inches of blond(ish) hair, insisted on literally carrying his boat on his head, and was continuously bonking into trees.

The hobbits had invented some sort of colour-guessing game to pass the time, but most of it had ended in childish arguments and a lot of bruises.

The Ranger really, truly couldn't wait for their river journey to be over.

"I SAID PURPLE ALREADY!" Pippin screamed so loud that on the other side of the world Manwë cowarded nobly (if that's even possible) beside his mountainous throne, "YOU LIAR!"

"I thought you said octarine-" Frodo attempted to shield himself behind Sam, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"SETTLE DOWN already!" yelled Boromir, losing it.

"My...friends," Aragorn attempted to keep the sarcasm out of his voice, "If I were to offer you each some Lembas for energy, would that give you enough to think about to stop arguing for a while?"

Lamest question ever, by the way.

"Sure!" exclaimed Merry, always the first to respond to food offers.

"Lembas is a queenly gift," came a muffled Legolas-sounding voice from beneath a waddling canoe, "It was never meant by the Lady to be given out at will."

"Legolas, shut up," Boromir and Gimli said in unison. Any thing to keep the monsters quiet for any period of time was worth it.

Aragorn put his canoe down and opened the cooler sitting inside, "Righty. So...blueberry, chocolate chip, or original?"

The hobbits shared knowledgeable glances "Chocolate!"

"Chocolate it is," Aragorn began to unwrap the leaf...thing, Legolas glaring holes into his back. He turned it over. A few crumbs slipped out.

"WHO ate the chocolate Lembas?" seethed Boromir from between his teeth.

Frodo suddenly became very interested in his feet.

Sam came to the rescue, "It was Gimli!"

He was met with three looks of confusion, one look of pure anger, two wild grins, and the top of someone's head who happened to be watching a small potato bug on the ground, "I, I mean, I saw him! I really did! Last night! It was true!"

Gimli sucked in hid breath and counted slowly to ten. Aragorn looked hard at Sam, "I do not appreciate your lying, Samwise. We are a team, and we will need this food later. This should better not happen again."

Sam stared at his feet as well, "It won't...Sir."

"Good."

_Some time later..._

"Thanks, Sam," Frodo weakly grinned at his friend, feeling rather embarrassed and ashamed.

"Don't mention it Mr. Frodo. 'Ts the least I can do, seeing the challenges you're already facing..." Sam trailed off and leant his head against his pack, trying to fall asleep.

Deep in the shadows of the trees, Gollum crouched thoughtfully, a notebook poised in his frogish hand.

In thin, spidery handwriting he slowly wrote, "_Trick with Lembas. Say fat hobbit ate it. Make sure [these two words he underlined several times] to leave evidence. Crumbs, perhaps._"

* * *

Cookies are overdone. REVIEW for cake! Now, off to go to something productive at 6am on A Saturday...


	16. Poor Haldir

**Chapter 16: Poor Haldir**

**By Elf from Downunder**

* * *

**16. It is not appropriate to graffiti in Lorien**

"Do you think this one looks just like Gandalf? Do you?" Pippin whispered to Merry.

Merry put his spray can down and gave Pippin's work a glance.

"No! You forgot his huge nose!"

"Oh, right. Should I put Farmer Maggot in the picture as well?" Pippin asked.

"Only if I get to draw Saruman on a motorcycle!" Suddenly, Merry could hear faint footsteps coming from behind a large group of trees.

"Pip, I think someone's coming! They're going to see what we've done to the trees!"

Pippin's eyes grew wide as he threw his spray can as far away as possible. "Hide the cans!"

Merry just dropped his before he and Pippin hid themselves behind a bush.

Haldir was having a great morning so far. The birds were singing, the sun was shining – what was not to love? He was enjoying the peace and quiet so much, he almost didn't notice that the trees he was walking past had horrific drawings all over it in black and purple spray paint.

"What is up with these trees?!" he exclaimed, studying all the artworks.

"Is that one supposed to be me? Why do I look so fat?!" while he was making a big deal out of everything, he stumbled over Merry's spray can. Picking it up and looking at every direction to see if there was anyone around, he scowled in an authoritative manner. "Whoever did this is going to have to explain to the Lady Galadriel why these trees have lame drawings on them!"

At this, Pippin leaped from his hiding place.

"Hey! In case you didn't know, our drawings are not lame!" he stated firmly, giving Haldir a glare.

"Pip, he isn't supposed to know it was us." Merry sighed, coming out from behind the bushes as well.

Pippin's glare turned into an expression of realization. "Oh. Forgot about that."

Haldir looked just about ready to strangle the both of them. "You rascals!You did this!"

Merry shrugged. "It's no big deal. In my opinion, I think the trees look a lot better now."

"Are you insane!?" Haldir made a dramatic hand gesture towards one of the graffiti trees. "Is that supposed to be Aragorn?"

Pippin's face brightened. "Yes! We made him into a hill billy!"

The Marchwarden of the Galadhrim looked at him as if he were crazy. "Okaaay …"

But Pippin completely ignored his reaction, and pointed excitedly to another tree. "And that one's me!"

"And me!" Merry piped in.

"And we're the kings of Burger King!"

"We wish ..." Merry muttered.

Haldir looked at the tree behind him and gave it a questioning look. "And what's that picture supposed to be of?"

Merry gave him an insane grin. "That's Gimli sacrificing Legolas in Fangorn Forest!"

"So, are you still gonna tell the creepy elf lady what we did?" Pippin's face was hopeful.

Haldir folded his arms. "Yes. It's part of my job to tell her things like this."

Pippin's face immediately fell. "Can't you take a lunch break from your job?"

"Elves don't take lunch breaks."

"Oh. Can you at least not do your job properly?"

Haldir shrugged Pippin off. "I have to do my job properly! Now if you don't mind, I'm taking this can and telling the lady what you two have done!" he then made his way back to Caras Galadhon.

Pippin's bottom lip trembled. "You bully ..."

"Don't just stand there, Pip! Let's get him!"

Haldir was grumbling on his walk back. What a way to ruin his morning. He and his brothers were probably the ones going to scrub all the mess off from the trees. "Her reaction when she finds out what those two ..."

"Don't let him get any further, Merry!" he heard one of the hobbits shout.

He swiftly turned around to see the both of them with a long piece of rope. "Wait, what are you … GET OFF ME!"

Pippin and Merry tackled him to the ground before tying his feet and hands, and with the help of duct tape were able to stop him from screaming. When they were sure he was helpless, the two dragged him off and hid him behind the bush.

"Do you think anyone will notice he's missing?" Pippin wondered.

Merry shook his head. "Nah … he shouldn't be able to get away either."

"He's getting away now!"

Haldir would've groaned if it weren't for the duct tape. Despite the fact his arms and legs were tied, he still managed to perform an awkward way of crawling.

"GET HIM!" Merry commanded, and the two tackled him again.

* * *

Now, spray painting is a tedious and illegal task which is only partaken by...oh forget it. We reached 50 reviews, guys! AMAZING!


	17. Flawed Personalities

**Chapter 17: Flawed Personalities**

**By Archet**

**Dedicated to Gigigue for reviewing like 80 billion times and making me ecstatic with happiness. This chapter is for her!**

**WARNING: **Lots of messed-up personalities ahead! You have been warned...

* * *

**17. Galadriel is not on drugs, even if it appears so at some moments**

"Kay," muttered Frodo to Merry quietly, "This is where Lord Celeborn lives. We need to find him."

"Gotcha."

One of the less regarded mistakes in The Lord of the Rings is that it had actually been pouring rain, and late at night, when the Fellowship had entered Lórien.

So technically it wasn't actually Gimli's fault he didn't see the elves jump down from the trees, seeing as he could barely even see a foot in front of him at the time.

"Haldìr Haldìrion," said the elf, flipping up a license with a flawless picture on it, "SWAT team of Lothlórien. What business do you and your acquaintances have here at this strange hour? May I remind you that visiting times are limited between 11am and 4pm Monday to Friday. Today is Saturday, might I add. Not to mention-...Legolas!"

Legolas tried to stuff himself into a tree. "I'm not here," he moaned, "Make him go away..."

Haldir slapped his friend on the back, "Well this changes everything! Of course you guys are welcome! Come, come in! I'll get Rumil to start preparing a feast...RUMIL! START PREPARING A FEAST," he shouted up at the tree above him. Muffled curses echoed awkwardly through the clearing.

"Um, not to be rude or anything..." mumbled Aragorn, "But, there's, um, orcs, um, chasing after us..."

"That's fine," grinned Haldir, "Let's go!"

OOO

"Lord Celeborn," Pippin said brightly through a mouth of pancakes. He had been nominated speaker by the other hobbits, because they were hoping Galadriel would have more trouble ready his mind than the others.

"It's KELEBORN!" yelled Lord...'Keleborn', banging his fork into his mashed potatoes and splattering them all over the table.

Galadriel looked over at Pippin suspiciously. She looked into his mind.

She saw something along the lines of this:

_I'm hungry...oh look there's some food...haha it's on my plate already...I wonder whether that squishy thing is edible...it looks like a tulip. I like tulips. Do butterflies eat tulips? I want to be a butterfly_.

Terrified, Galadriel turned her attention back to her brussel sprouts.

"...can we talk to you afterwards?" Pippin finished.

"Huh?" Celeborn turned and looked at him, "Yeah, sure."

"Cool," Pippin grinned and started spooning whipped cream into his mouth.

It was just around this moment that Galadriel turned blue.

"SHE'S ON DRUGS!" screamed Gimli, and fell backwards off his chair trying to reach his axe. He lost conscious, his head hitting the concrete floor rather hard.

"That was easy," grinned Frodo. Sam nodded, looking up from his fish and chips for the first time and noticing the quickly-changing-colours Galadriel, "Woah. What happened to _her_?"

"Who knows," said Merry.

"Who _cares_," said Pippin.

"This...is...normal...I...think..." Galadriel started to explain, but she sounded like a cat on helium. A lot of helium.

The whole room burst out laughing.

Just at that moment, a little robot known as The CyberGollum entered the room and started to clean up. Everyone stared.

* * *

Yay for my CyberGollum! He was in my original story, which I took off Fanfiction. I might repost that one chapter though...I love my CyberGollum :)

Oh, and guys, the chapters that I write and the chapters that Elf From DownUnder writes will be marked as such, because we're still trying to figure all that out.

I would also like to announce a CONTEST! The person who gets the 100th review gets a prize! Yes! I know you're all really excited! The prize is...you get to be a character in Archet and Tigger: Part II. Amazing, right? I knew you'd think so :D


	18. Gandalf vs Dumbledore

**Chapter 18: Gandalf vs Dumbledore**

**By Elf from DownUnder**

* * *

**18. Gandalf and Dumbledore are two VERY different people**

It had been some time (actually, only three minutes) since the Fellowship had escaped the doom and woe of Moria, and already boredom was starting to sink in.

"This quest is getting boring," Pippin moaned, almost bumping into Boromir as he said so. "There's nothing to do! And no one to annoy now that Dumbledore is dead!"

Legolas raised a brow. "Dumbledore? Who's that?"

"You know! Wizard guy – long grey beard with scary magical powers and ..."

"Ah, you're talking about Gandalf." Aragorn interrupted Pippin, praying to the Valar that he would shut up before everyone would go insane. If only he prayed the same for Merry.

"Gandalf? Who is Gandalf?" he wondered.

Aragorn swore he saw Pippin smirk. "Er, the wizard that was with us before he died – long grey beard and ..."

"That's Dumbledore, silly!" Pippin stated, opening a bag of potato chips.

"Where did you get them!?" Merry exclaimed.

Pippin merely shrugged. "I stole them off this orc back in the mines."

"I don't understand, the wizard that was with us was Gandalf, right? Not this … Dumbledore." Aragorn scratched his head in confusion.

Pippin started thinking for a moment … amazingly. "Well, Gandalf and Dumbledore could be two different people who are completely the same!"

"Pip, that makes no sense." Merry shook his head.

Away from the conversation, Frodo started pondering on his own matter on this. "Is Dumbledore's beard even grey? Or is it white?"

"I don't get it! Who's Dumbledore!? Have I met him before?!" Legolas almost shouted.

"He's a magical wizard!" Pippin answered, chucking his potato chips in a random rubbish bin … littering is bad and not good for the environment, so random rubbish bins are necessary.

"Who runs a magical school!" Merry added.

Aragorn just shook his head. "I am so confused. That sounds just like Gandalf."

"Never heard of the guy." Boromir shrugged. "All I know is that the wizard that was with us was Gandalf."

"No it wasn't! It was Dumbledore!" Pippin insisted.

"I know!" Sam excitedly cried.

Frodo sighed. "Know what? How to count to three?"

"No," Sam said. "I'm still working on that, Mr. Frodo. But I know a solution to this problem!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Gandalf and Dumbledore are the same person!"

Frodo face palmed. "Sam, your stupidity never ceases to surprise me."

Sam beamed. "Thank you, Mr. Frodo!"

"That was an insult ..."

"I like sugar." Pippin randomly said. "Aragorn, do you have any sugar?"

"Er, no." the Ranger then decided to keep his mouth shut from now on, hoping to avoid unnecessary conversations like the one they just had.

"I think Dumbledore had sugar in his pockets before he died." Merry stated.

Legolas pulled at his hair. "WHO IS DUMBLEDORE!?"

* * *

Aaaaaaaaaand congratulations to Tatharwen315 for winning the contest! The sequel will be up within the next 5ish chapters (I think).


	19. Pippin's Lucky Break

**Chapter 19: Pippin's Lucky Break**

**By Archet**

* * *

**19. DO NOT under any circumstances spit of Balin's tomb, unless you WANT to be killed by Gimli**

"Here lies Balin, son of Fundin," Gandalf read aloud from the square gravestone. Gimli sobbed. Loudly. Balin was dead. It was a tragedy. Tears poured down Gimli's face as he tried remember last time he saw the old dwarf. Gimli sniffed louder as Gandalf, oblivious to the crying dwarf, kicked over another skeleton while reaching for some black book. Wails echoed through the cavern, making Legolas wince.

"Shut up Gimli," hissed the elf, startling the dwarf into silence for a brief moment, "Unless you want every Orc in a hundred miles radius to know where we're hiding, you need to be quiet."

Gimli just cried louder. Legolas face-palmed while the two men in their Company peered over Gandalf's shoulder at some old musty book. It looked boring.

The four hobbits crowded on the opposite end of the tombstone. Legolas could see Sam's big brown worry-filled eyes peer over the edge of the stone.

"This is a bad idea," he whispered quietly to the other hobbits and whatever bugs happened to be in the vicinity.

Nobody listened, of course. Not even the bugs.

Because a few seconds later came a ghastly noise.

A glob of spit landed on the tombstone.

"What?" asked Pippin innocently, "I had a bad taste in my mouth."

Thank god the Orcs attacked at that second.

And that Gandalf can perform memory-erasing spells. Or Pippin probably would've died.

Really.

We wouldn't want that, would we. Then there would've been no one to be an idiot and look in the Palantir.

Except Merry. He probably could've done it.

* * *

I sat and thought for over a minute about what to write here...and then gave up pitifully. Review!


	20. Haldir's Back!

**Chapter 20: Haldir's Back!**

**By Elf from DownUnder**

* * *

**20. Do not ask Haldir to give you a piggy back**

Merry, Sam and Frodo were well hidden behind a statue in Caras Galadhon. Frodo gave Celeborn's guide a rather doubtful look, and then looked at Haldir, who was standing between two tall trees. Haldir looked rather bored, and as Merry pointed out before, it was a great chance to strike.

"I don't think this will work." Frodo stated.

"Trust me, it will. Pippin went through his lines for hours," Merry assured.

"Well," Frodo sighed. "This will be interesting."

They waited a little longer for Pippin's big scene.

"Pip should be on in three … two …"

"I NEED TO PEE! I NEED TO PEE!" Pippin screamed, running around with his arms flailing in the air.

Merry grinned. "Knew we could count on him!"

Haldir gave the screaming hobbit an incredulous look. "Huh? Is that ..."

"I NEED TO PEE NOW!" Pippin purposely ran straight into Haldir, causing the two of them tumble over each other.

The Marchwarden cursed as he stood up, rubbing his temple. "Don't you hobbits ever watch where you're going?" he scowled.

Pippin didn't stand, however. Instead he sniffed and after many acting lessons from Merry, managed to pull off a very well staged performed sob. "My ankle … I think I twisted it."

"Twisted it? Oh, you can't be serious!"

"Oh, but I am!" Pippin rubbed his eyes. "I'm very serious! And now I can't stand up!"

"Well, here's a suggestion. Go and drag yourself."

Behind the statue, Sam looked at Haldir in disbelief. "Wow. He's much smarter than he looks."

Merry shook his head. "Don't worry. Pip will be able to come up with something."

"But I can't drag myself!" Pippin dramatically cried. "I will get stepped on by all the elves!"

Haldir glared at him. "No you won't. Now stop wasting my time – I've got better things to do."

The fool of a Took gave the cold hearted elf his best puppy dog eyes. "Please … Haldir sir … can you give me a piggy back?"

Haldir blinked. "A what?"

"A piggy back! Can you carry me to where all the food is?"

"Don't you need the bathroom?"

"Er, I kinda don't need to go anymore ..." Pippin then grinned. "So, about this piggy back ride ..."

"No way." Haldir made a move to walk off, but caught a glimpse of Pippin's professional puppy dog eyes face. He sighed. "Fine."

Pippin's face immediately brightened. "YAY!"

Haldir just rolled his eyes. "I'm going to regret this later ..."

A few hours later

Haldir was right – he was going to regret it later. After leaving the 'injured' hobbit at the food pavilion (who was probably going to eat Lothlorien out of house and home), he bumped into his brothers, who were smirking and laughing endlessly.

"What's so funny?" Haldir wondered.

Orophin shook his head. "Oh, nothing. It's just that you looked like such a softie with that hobbit on your back!"

"You saw that, did you?" Haldir groaned. He hated his brothers sometimes.

Rumil nodded. "Yup! Looked like you wouldn't hurt a fly!"

"Can I have the next piggy back, brother mine?" Orophin asked, an innocent smile upon his face.

Haldir faked a smile. "Sure … and I'll dump you defenceless at an orc camp while I'm at it!"

* * *

**Elf from downunder:** ...that was rather fun to write ^_^

**Archet**: *laughing too hard to reply* AWESOME


	21. The Chocolate Club

**Chapter 21: The Chocolate Club**

**By Archet**

This dedication is dedicated to myself, for taking time out of my homework to write it. Just kidding. This chapter is dedicated to my friend _ who gave me the wonderful idea for the chocolate club.

* * *

**21. Do not start a food fight while Bilbo is singing in The Hall of Fire**

"And make sure to clean up the tomato juice stain!" Lindir called over his shoulder as he left the room.

A sponge aimed for his face whistled over his left shoulder as a chorus of "We will!" was heard from the hobbits. Lindir sighed and headed to the kitchen for a cup of tea. He, as well as all the others, still had a hideous headache.

"This is going to take us all day to clean up," moaned Sam.

"Two days," mumbled Frodo.

"A month."

"Well, might as well give up now then!" Pippin said cheerfully, making to stand up, and slipping back down into a pile of tofu. Erestor, who was leaning on the door frame supervising, grinned at the little hobbit.

"This is all Merry's fault," Pippin muttered, picking through the pile of food on the floor and popping a pretzel in his mouth.

"Is not." Merry replied a millisecond later.

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not not not."

"Is too too TOO."

Sam aimed a wet sponge at Pippin's head, which easily made the mark. The hobbit fell over in slow motion. Erestor laughed.

"Now that I think of it," Frodo said thoughtfully, "Maybe the Chocolate Club wasn't such a good idea after all."

"Ya think?" grumbled Merry.

_Roughly 40 hours ago..._

"Hey, guys!" Frodo yelled down the hall as he walked towards the hobbits' room.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat?" Pippin's voice echoed back almost immediately. Frodo stuck his head around the door to glance at the other three hobbits playing Monopoly very dignified-like on the floor of their bedroom.

"I've just had the greatest idea!" he exclaimed happily, throwing a newspaper cutout at Merry, who held it up. The title read '**Boy Finds Chip Shaped Like Donkey**'. Merry stared blankly.

"Turn it over," encouraged Frodo. Merry turned it over. The headline '**Start Your Own Chocolate Club Today!**' blazed out.

"What's a chocolate club?" asked Sam, arranging his massively huge pile of money (well, massive compared to the other two).

"Get some friends together, and take turns buying fancy chocolates," Merry read aloud from the article, "Enjoy the enjoyment of eating enjoyable chocolate with your friends."

"That's sounds like fun," said Pippin, who had been oddly quiet for a discussion about food. Frodo turned around to stare at him, only to notice him slip a $500 in his pocket.

"Cool!" exclaimed Merry, oblivious, "When shall we start?"

"How 'bout tomorrow?" Frodo suggested, "I'll bring the chocolate."

The hobbits all agreed on the deal.

_Roughly 34 hours later..._

"Why do they call it the Hall of Fire?" whispered Pippin as him and Merry settled into their seats, "Is the room going to catch fire? I mean, it's not even a hall. It is more of a room..."

"Shut up!" Merry hissed, "Bilbo's gonna sing and I don't want to miss it."

"Hey," said Pippin, suddenly remembering something important, "Where the heck is Frodo with his chocolate?"

"I don't know," whispered Merry, "But he better-"

"HERE I AM!" yelled Bilbo to the crowd. The crowd cheered. Aragorn grinned into his cup.

"I'M GONNA SING!" screamed Bilbo lamely.

He commenced to sing.

(Insert very lame parody of Eärendil the Mariner that doesn't even rhyme because the author was to lazy to look at the book even though it's sitting next to her as she types this. Note: if you haven't read Lord of the Rings or the Silmarillion, Eärendil was a Mariner. He is the main character (only character) in Bilbo's ever famous two-and-a-half page song. He was also Elrond's father. Now, on with the story...er, song.)

_"Eärendil was a Mariner._

_Who sailed the seven seas and more._

_And he did lots of other stuff too._

_Like run up stairs in Tirion.*_

_He was married to a bird._

_Or so I thought, when I read the Silmarillion._

_But it wasn't really a bird._

_More like a hybrid elf._

_(Okay, now I'm just being mean)"_

Elrond glared sharply at Bilbo, Eärendil, of course, being his dad (and Elwing the hybrid bird who was actually an elf being his mom). Bilbo quickly veered off into another, less offensive, verse.

_"And then there was this pretty jewel._

_That Aragorn told me to mention._

_It was all greenish and to some importance._

_But I'm not really too sure what. _

_Now Eärendil drives his ship in the sky._

_Because he was banished from this world._

_And the light of the Silmaril._

_Looks conveniently like the northern star."_

"Where the heck are Frodo and Sam?" muttered Merry, pretending to look at his watch even though he wasn't wearing one.

"I have no idea," whispered Pippin. Bilbo continued to sing on for a few more pages.

And then the unthinkable happened.

"HERE WE ARE!" screamed Frodo, running into the room drunken-like, throwing chocolate, "DID YOU MISS US?"

"Speak of the devil," Merry facepalmed. Bilbo, unfazed, continued to sing even louder.

_"AND THEN ELWING JUMPED OFF A CLIFF._

_AND TURNED INTO A TURKEY._

_OF SOME SORT."_

Elrond looked furious. Turning beet red, he started to get up and stride evilly towards Bilbo (well, that's what I assume he was going to do, but we'll never know), when a huge hunk of chocolate hit him in the head.

"FOOD FIGHT!" screamed Frodo, and started throwing chocolate. Half the elves materialized vegetables out of nowhere. Havoc began.

Enter Sam.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap...MERRY! PIPPIN!" he yelled, tripping into the room.

"What?" yelled Merry from across the room where he had taken refuge under some table. Pippin had joined the food fight.

"I think Frodo's chocolate is drugged!" Sam cried.

"Where'd he get it from?"

"...Gollum..."

"WHAT?"

"I told him it was a bad idea, but he wouldn't listen!"

"Great," Merry shook his head, "Just great."

At that moment he was hit by a flying piece of chocolate and instantly joined in the food fight. Sam, nearly crying, hid under the table as he watched the possessed elves, hobbits, and men (except Bilbo, who obliviously continued to sing until he was whacked over the head and dragged into the corner with Elrond), continue their foodfighting-ing.

Eventually they all fell asleep from exhaustion.

In the distance, Gollum crackled evilly, writing down his thank-you note to Saruman for lending him the chocolate.

THE END!

*I don't really remember if Eärendil actually did run up any stairs...so...yeah. I'm too lazy to check. :)

* * *

Sorry for taking a bazillion years to update! I was busy :(

Hope this chapter made up for it. It's longer than normal, I think...

Now, review! Or I'll get Frodo to throw chocolate at you...


	22. Legolas and the Coke

**Chapter 22: Legolas and the Coke**

**By Archet AND Elf from DownUnder** (because we are incapable by ourselves - at least I am).

_Solely dedicated to Legolas, who is grinning at me from the front of the Legolas Drinks Coke! t-shirt sitting randomly beside me. If that didn't make sense, read the story and come back._

* * *

**22. I will not try and get my own made up phrase clichéd**

Imladris ~

Legolas wandered away from the Fellowship after the council of Elrond … who were fighting over what was the best flavor of Poptarts.

"No! It's chocolate chip!" Aragorn screeched, scaring away an elleth who stood nearby.

"No way! Cinnamon Roll!" Boromir protested.

"I say cherry!" Gimli spoke up.

Gandalf sighed, resting his back against a pillar. "You're all being foolish," he muttered.

"I can't believe these idiots swore to protect me ..." Frodo shook his head.

"I agree with Mr. Gimli, I must say. Cherry is …"

Frodo shushed Sam quickly. "Don't get yourself involved, Sam!"

Legolas walked as far away from them as possible, in fact. Slowly, as the irritating voices of the Fellowship (minus Legolas) became a mere echo, the wood elf stumbled over a bright red object – made of aluminum and shaped as a cylinder. Curiously, Legolas picked it up.

"Coca cola?" Ah, so this is the drink product Elladan and Elrohir live on …

Cautiously, looking around to make sure no one was watching him, he opened it and took a sip.

Behind a bush, the dynamic duo Pippin and Merry were capturing shots of this scene with their new cameras.

And so it began.

_...a few days later..._

"WHAT?!"

"What? What is it Legolas?" Pippin asked sweetly, putting on his I-am-an-innocent-hobbit face, "What's wrong?"

"I-me- MY FACE IS- me- but-" Legolas continued to helplessly blubber for a few minutes as the other occupants of the Rivendell library in turn collapsed in silent giggles. A page fell out of the fax machine. Aragorn picked it up.

"Dear...Legolas..." he read slowly, "I mailed you some coke. Sincerely, JRR Tolkien XIV."

"WHAT?!" squeaked Legolas again, his rather deformed vocabulary taking the better of him. Just then, the doorbell rang.

Aragorn also saw the computer screen.

And burst out laughing.

There was a picture of the sugar high elf, grinning at some faraway something-or-other. He was holding a coke can, and had a huge thumbs-up pointed at the camera. The caption below read LEGOLAS DRINKS COKE! in huge sparkly letters.

Aragorn started hyperventilating from laughter.

_Meanwhile..._

"Hello?" said Elrond, his eyebrows dancing around on his forehead as he saw the moving truck run into a tree Elrohir had planted in his childhood. He glared, wishing he had never come to open the door in the first place.

All of the sudden, the moving truck stopped moving. The back opened up. Elrond had a brief glimpse of something red and white before he was pummeled by a hundred thousand cases of coke.

"Mwahahahaha..." Merry grinned cheerfully from his position on top of five pillows in the driver's seat.

At that exact moment Boromir walked into the library wearing a LEGOLAS DRINKS COKE! t-shirt. Legolas fainted. Frodo sympathized: he himself had gone through the same thing when Merry and Pippin had come up with FRODO LIVES!

* * *

Legolas Drinks Coke! T-shirts, gloves, hats mittens, bread stamps, stationary, chocolate, wigs, pizza boxes, key chains, postcards, and basically every other type of merchandise possible are now available! Cost: 1 review. Please state in the review which you would like and thou shalt be contacted shortly (see what I did there? I made it all Tolkien-y).

Sorry for the looooooooooooong delay, me and Elf from DownUnder had some trouble with this chapter. Hope it turned out OK!


	23. Back at the Movies

**Chapter 23: Back at the Movies**

**By Elf from Downunder**

_This chapter is dedicated to NO ONE. I would, however, like to take this time to call upon animepercystyle...there was a reason why...but I kinda forget it._

_Just joking. All hail those of us who don't particularly like Coke, but still love Legolas!_

_Yeah._

* * *

**23. It is not opposite day. It is never opposite day**

Fireworks dazzled the warm night sky. Many hobbits danced merrily, laughing without a care in the world. Like all hobbits do, of course. It was a night of celebration, Bilbo and Frodo's birthday. Bilbo's in particular, with him turning 111 and all.

Bilbo was drunk. Frodo was bored. Fatty Bolger was eating all the cake. What could possible go wrong? Only … everything.

Whilst all was well (sort of), Merry and Pippin were sneaking behind the pavilions with smug looks on their faces.

"This is such a great idea, Merry!" Pippin exclaimed rather loudly.

Merry glared at him. "Shhh! Make sure no one sees us! Except for Gandalf, of course … he has to see us!"

Pippin looked confused. "Uh, why?"

"So," Merry deeply sighed. "we can perform operation 'Opposite Day' properly! No one's a better target than Gandalf!

"Oh ..."

Merry immediately took Pippin's hand and dashed behind various things, as to avoid being seen … by most.

"Come on! Hurry up!"

At this point, Gandalf's wary eye caught two mysterious figures sneaking away from where he was seated.

"And where do you think you're both going?" he demanded to know, arising.

Both hobbits carried innocent smiles. It was time for operation 'Opposite Day' to take place.

"Ah, Gandalf! How nice it is to see you!" Merry beamed, both hands behind his back.

Pippin nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes, very nice!"

Gandalf merely raised a bushy eyebrow. "What's with that stupid smile upon your faces? Are you up to something again?"

Merry's face turned into one of shock. "Up to something? Us?"

"Have a little faith! As if we'd pull a dirty trick during such an important event, right Merry?"

Pippin looked to Merry, who now bore a stern look.

"Right! I promise you, we will surely not cause any trouble!"

"At all! We promise!"

With a final inspection of the two (who were still grinning madly), Gandalf glared at them and said with a threatening voice, "I'll be keeping an eye on you two ..." before mumbling off back to his seat.

"I think that went rather well!" Pippin stated.

Merry nodded. "It sure did."

Last Gandalf saw of them was the two disappearing behind a tent. What he didn't see though, was the large firecracker they had with them.

...

After a strange dramatic firework scene which came out of no where, Gandalf was furious. Pushing aside random drunk hobbits while scowling and muttering, the maia soon saw the troublesome duo, whom were standing rather proudly and beaming at their work well done.

Fuming, the wizard walked behind them and pulled on the tips of their ears.

Both hobbits shrieked.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Meriadoc Brandybuck. And Peregrin Took. I might've know." Gandalf scowled.

Yet Merry somehow managed a strained grin. "Of course you might have known! You're so smart!"

At this, Gandalf let them go and gave the two a curious look.

"Huh? Okay, what is going on?"

"It's Opposite Day!" both hobbits cheered.

Gandalf's eyes grew wide. "What!?"

"Opposite Day!" Pippin said. "Where everything we say is really the opposite of what we mean!"

Gandalf shook his head. "That's just ..."

"Clever? Awesome?" Merry's eyes shone.

"Amazing? Original? Spectacular?" Pippin wondered hopefully.

"Ridiculous!"

The two cast miserable glances. "Oh."

"So," Gandalf started. "when you just said I was smart, you're really trying to say that I'm stupid?"

The hobbits began to nod, only to look at each other before shaking their heads.

"Oh, Valar save me from the stupidity of others! Today is not Opposite Day! You can both forget it if you are capable!"

"Oh yes, we're quite capable." Merry assured.

Gandalf nodded his approval. "Good then … wait a minute, are you saying that you're not capable?"

Pippin and Merry shrugged.

Gandalf sighed in exasperation. "I give up … and what I say is final! It is NOT Opposite Day! And never WILL be! Got it?"

"Nope."

...

Bilbo was incredibly drunk when it was time to make his 'epic' speech. His words were slurred and he was stumbling endlessly, even when he wasn't walking.

"So … do you guys like … you guys like … like magic!?"

The rather silent hobbits whispered among themselves in concern for the poor guy's health. 111 years must be really hard for him.

Bilbo let out a large belch. "Haha! I knew you guys would!"

At the back of the crowd was a rather mortified Frodo. "Uncle … you embarrassment ..."

"Oh! Oh!" cried Sam. "Can you make a coin disappear, Mr. Bilbo sir!?"

"One would hope ..." Gandalf muttered.

At this point, Merry and Pippin decided to poke Gandalf. "We've finished the dishes, Gandalf!" Merry said.

Gandalf nodded. "Ah good," he cast a glance at the table, which was still piled with filthy dishes. He glared at the two. "hang on! You've barely even started!"

Merry and Pippin grinned insanely.

"LOOK!" Bilbo hollered randomly. "I can turn invisible … WITH MAGIC!"

"I have had enough of this foolishness!" Gandalf turned back to his seat.

"We think you look very nice tonight, Gandalf." Pippin said.

"Oh yes," Merry added. "very ..."

Gandalf turned around. "Really?"

"A huh." Pippin nodded.

"And you're really wise!"

"Really, really, very, wise!"

Gandalf smiled. "Why … thank you very – oh. It's still opposite day, isn't it?"

Both hobbits shrugged.

* * *

And in conclusion to that already massively long story, I'd like to announce that it's still not too late to order in and get a LDC (Legolas Drinks Coke!) product. Only costs one review, and this chapter we're having a BOGO on everything in the store! Order now before it's toooooooooo late!

If you're too lazy to check back at the last chapter (and since I'm too lazy to repost the list) I invented a machine that will LDC-itize absolutely any product possible. True story. It's called the LDC-inator. And because of it, I am now in possession of a beautiful LDC toilet bowl cleaner.

Oh, and if anyone needs a mailing address for their postcards, I live at 221B Baker Street, London. With Sherlock Holmes.

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(Just in case you didn't get it, that last part was a joke).


	24. Hearty Gollum Moments

**Chapter 24: Hearty Gollum Moments**

**By Archet**

_Dedicated to...OMG! Hobbit trailer! *watches for 4000th time and aphyxiates from inability to breathe due to awesomness*_

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**24. Do not tell Gollum to go die in a hole**

_"Now he tried to find strength to tear himself away and go on a lonely journey - for vengeance. If once he could go, his anger would bear him down all the roads of the world, pursuing, until he had him at last: Gollum. Then Gollum would die in a corner."_ -Sam predicting Gollum's death (yes this is actually a legit quote from the book!)

"And my fourth cousin on my father's great grandmother's side, yes, precious, she was definitely a somebody, she was. Gretel was her name, precious, and she was the fastest Stoor of them all, precious. It was quite something to have a girl win all the midsummer's eve races, in fact, once recently she-"

"Gollum. Shut up."

It had been approximately 4 days, 11 hours, and 20 odd minutes since Gollum had suddenly randomly come to terms with his true internal insanity (as Sam put it- Frodo still thought the thing was some kind of teddy bear). To simplify, he had remembered "Smeagol". And hadn't shut up about it since. Frodo had even overheard him talking to what was he was assuming to be a rock (but who knows, really) about his grandmother's old chicken coop. Sure, every hobbit loves ancestry and all that, but Gollum was stretching it past the limits. Not even Merry could take an hour long lecture on 'Auntie Jemmy's raspberry jam'. But still Gollum blathered on, the word 'precious' thrown in at every possible moment.

"And, precious, there was one race we had to the river and back, where Uncle Maxim had promised the winner a trout, where Wilhem tripped old Gretel precious, and she got dirt on her new dress. Took her forever to stop crying..."

"Gollum." Sam, the ever not-that-patient hobbit, gritted his teeth loudly, "PLEASE shut up. We're trying to sleep over here."

"But...it's midnight precious! In February! Why do they sleep during the waking hours, precious wonders. Oh, he wonders, he does. But good Smeagol won't ask any questions."

"To right he won't," muttered Sam, trying to convince himself the rock he was using as a pillow was comfortable, "Or he might just have his neck wrung out by an old fella in the name of my Gaffer."

Gollum laughed horribly. Frodo twitched in his sleep, obviously uneasy.

"Shut up, will you!" yelled Sam angrily, "You're gonna make him mad with all that racket you're causing!"

Gollum just laughed louder, sounding rather like that noise a kettle makes when you leave the lid open and it boils over until all the water is gone and there's none left for tea.

"To right with you!" Sam swore in his hobbit-ish way (which basically means he huffed in a kind of rude manner), jumping out of his blanket and brandishing his miniature sword, "Get out of here, you Stinker. Causing my master no lack of evilness, you are. Go...go die in a hole where it would suit you best. Fix everyone with a whole lot less grief than now."

Gollum hissed, sounding again like a kettle. He turned his evil pupil-less blue eyes on Sam. He snarled.

Sam got ready to run.

In an act of amazingness, the mutant hobbit turned around and tore in the other direction through the rocks. Sam sighed in peace.

He had approximately 4 hours of happiness.

Before he was woken up at 5am covered in bee hives.

"GOLLUM!"

* * *

Coolio. Announcements for y'all. Listen up!

1. Hobbit trailer is out now! I'm actually ashamed to say I'm a week late on this fact... :(

2. Just wanted to point out that last chapter was written by Elf from Downunder. Lots of the reviews said stuff like "You're so amazing!" (ok, not really but I love self compliments), and I just wanted make it clear that she's the amazing one- not me. If, however, this chapter is also worthy of "amazing" (which I highly doubt), feel free to shoot me a message :D

3. PLUG! Yo- guys, I have a story for you to check out. It's called "Betrayal" by_ Blue J Fire and Caso Sparrow_. It's a cute story that isn't getting the love it's intended for. Besides, I like promoting people. It raises my self esteem.

Reviews do too *hint hint*.


	25. Featuring Arwen

**Chapter 25: Featuring Arwen**

**By Elf from Downunder**

_This chapter features Arwen. I believe this is a first._

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**25. I am not Legolas Greenleaf, nor am I able to duplicate his stunts**

Aragorn and his middle-earth barbie doll (I mean girlfriend), Arwen, were walking hand in hand by the streams in Rivendell, the morning before the Fellowship was set to depart. It was boring, on Aragorn's part, who'd rather upset Erestor by wiping his muddy boots in the halls.

"Oh, Estel! Must you leave me?" Arwen asked, looking at him with teary, crystal blue eyes.

Aragorn sighed. "Yes, Arwen. I have to go save the world and apparently become king. If that's okay with you of course."

"No! It's not okay! What if you don't come back?"

"Then you can marry Legolas!"

"What? Ew, no! He thinks he's prettier than me!" she stamped her foot. "It's not fair!"

She fiddled with the chain of the Evenstar tied on her neck (let's imagine the movie-verse one, where it's fit basically only for a girl).

"Here! I want you to have this! So you can remember me forever and ever!" she held it up in mid-air. Aragorn's eyes widened in fear. "Remember … you? FOREVER!?"

"Yes!" Arwen persisted, shoving it in his chest. "And you have to wear it!"

"But then I'll look like a girl!" he looked frantic. "Here I am, a covered in dirt, badass ranger, wearing a piece of girl's jewellery! Not happening, Arwen!"

It was during such a tense moment for the two love birds, that a shout was heard from above the trees. A small figure, clad in green and brown clothing that looked rather elvish, with neon orange lensed (and oversized) sunglasses and a barbie wig on, was standing upon a branch with an awfully familiar longbow.

"Who in Arda is that!?" Arwen exclaimed, forgetting all the fuss she'd just had with Aragorn.

"I," the voice dramatically called down, doing an over exaggerated hair flip. "am LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!"

"WHAT!?" both half-elf and Dunedaín's mouths dropped.

"YOU'RE NOT LEGOLAS, I AM!" screamed a distressed Legolas, running across the courtyards of Rivendell in but his pyjamas.

"No!" shouted back the voice. "I am! And I shall prove it!"

"That … won't be necessary ..." Aragorn took a step back, dragging Arwen with him for safety reasons. Fearing on what would happen next ...

"PIPPIN! I HATE YOU FOREVER! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! AND GIVE ME BACK MY BOW!" Legolas ran faster, eager to climb up the tree and strangle the Took. Only he collided with a statue and broke his perfect nose. Oh, the shame!

Oh. Thought Aragorn. It's Pippin causing Legolas all this grief ...

With a mere war cry, Pippin (while still holding on to the bow) swung down from the tree on a vine, attempting to do a flip over the stream exactly like our now sobbing Legolas would. Only the vine snapped, and with a shriek the hobbit crashed into Arwen, and both went splashing into the stream.

"OH MY GOSH! I LOST THE EVENSTAR!" Arwen, hair soaked and sparkly dress ruined, was still holding her necklace before she fell in. She gave Pippin a death stare, who still had the wig and glasses on. Oh, and the bow was pretty much broken.

"PIPPIN!" Legolas stood up, hiding his nose with his hand while walking furiously towards the laughing hobbit. "YOU. RUINED. MY. BOW!"

Pippin laughed even harder, climbing to shore and clutching his stomach.

Arwen grabbed his foot and dragged him back in the freezing water, shaking him furiously. "YOU HAVE TO FIND IT! YOU HAVE TO! OR I'LL TELL DADDY AND HE WON'T BE TOO HAPPY!"

Legolas dived in, picking up the wet pieces of his beloved bow. Before grabbing Pippin from behind and attempting to strangle him. At this point in time, Merry, who 'just so happened to be walking by', also dived in to defend his friend. It soon became a full on elf and hobbit brawl.

Aragorn stood motionless, unsure of what to do. "I'll just … go finish my … um, packing for the journey then. Bye Arwen, I … love you …"

A little way away sat Elladan and Elrohir, watching in amusement as their little sister fought the two hobbits and Legolas in the water. The four of them suddenly became blackmailed for life; courtesy of Frodo's camera.

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MWAHAHAHAHA BLACKMAIL! XD


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